Confessions of an Atheist: A Day in Church Episode 1

Please note that this post has nothing to do with the owner of this blog and all references to persons real or fictional is not intentional but pure coincidence. Neither does the post have any intention to ridicule any religion whatsoever. Do have an enjoyable read.  

I opened my eyes slowly and the flickering rays of the sun blinded my eyes, the sun was greeting me and welcoming me to a new day.  I quickly shut my eyes as my senses slowly awakened and I realized it was morning and the early morning sun was coming in through my window. With a heavy groan I lifted myself up from bed and drew the curtain against the offending sun that had disturbed my peaceful sleep with its smiling rays. 

The day was Sunday and usually I don’t have anything to do since I am not a believer of God even though I had been born in a Christian family and had attended church all my childhood. But this Sunday was different; I had promised Ezekiel that I was going to attend his church. Ezekiel was an old school buddy that we had attended college together some years back; he had been a devoted Christian even back then but I had always scoffed at his preaching which I considered a mad man’s tale. Somehow running into him had brought back some good memories of times shared together despite our differences in faith so I had allowed myself to be cajoled into attending his church service which to my surprise was not too far from my Surulere abode. 

I smiled mischievously as I looked at myself in the mirror, it has been years since I last stepped foot in a church and rather than dread the encounter I was anticipating it with so much glee. I couldn’t wait to hear the pastor’s sermon about hell fire and brimstone and smirk at his stupidity. I was sure he was going to be yarning crap about how sinners were going to burn in hell fire forever and ever if they didn’t give their life to Jesus Christ. I ran my hand through my tussled hair, rough from sleep and stepped into the bath gingerly. I was in no rush to attend the service so I took my time preparing, in all it took me about two hours to get ready, I had woken up around 7am so it was around past 9 by now, I sat down in front of the television and watched my favourite Sunday soap opera for the next thirty minutes before setting out.  I wanted to be late and make sure I made my presence known; there was no way I was rushing to meet someone’s Jesus, if their Jesus wants to meet me so badly then he might as well wait for me.

I could hear the noise from the service a good distance away as the songs bellowed out and the racketing noise of the instruments made me wonder if those inside weren’t already deafened by the noise. I mentally asked myself why the government allowed such noise in the name of religion; if I were president or even governor I did ban all noise from any religious house and made sure they paid heavily for it if they disobeyed that law. I entered the building and was somewhat disappointed when nobody seemed to pay attention to my entrance; they all seemed to be in ecstasy as they danced with abandon and sang at the top of their voices. I was mystified; how could people be so gullible, why couldn’t they just realize that the pastors were just out to swindle them? They would say anything these idiots want to hear just to make sure that they part with the supposed ‘tithes and offerings’ while the Moslem folks always collect money for every prayer. Who the hell believes in such arrant nonsense, believing in some non-existent supernatural being? Who ever had said religion is the opium of the people knew what he was talking about.          

I shrugged to myself and consoled myself with the comical sight of a particular fat woman wriggling her massive weight in tune with the music. I smiled to myself and sat down refusing to take part in the madness around me and only heaving a sigh of relief when the commotion ended. I spotted Ezekiel standing close to the Ministers Corner and I realized he was an usher. Trust old fool Ezekiel to take active part in church, the real ordeal was about to start. A short bald man came to the pulpit to preach his nonsense and I relaxed in my seat to listen to his bullshit…

To be continued